Dating

DATING…it can be a six-letter trigger.

It may remind you of happy memories and great stories you’ve told your close friends, but it can also dredge up memories of getting a hand cramp from too much swiping left or right, or annoying message volleys with a stranger, and oh, please, not another blind date or family set up.

Dating can be hard for anyone including therapists, entrepreneurs, physicians, lawyers, engineers, social media influencers, hair stylists, and even Starbucks baristas. It does not discriminate.

So how do we make it not so hard? First, it’s important to figure out what you are looking for: hookup, meaningful relationship, or something in-between? 

Is there a criteria for a hookup beyond the superficial and the hyper-focus on chemistry?

What are the traits we’re looking for in a long-term relationship? How do you know if this person has the important traits or qualities for a healthy and meaningful relationship?

Well… most of us don’t.

While you might have learned about the birds and the bees from school, family or friends, it’s likely you never had a lesson about about relationships and compatibility. We have to learn through experience. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed or confused about what traits to look for in a significant other. It can be really hard looking for the highs of chemistry, avoiding the lows of the chase, and playing dating games.

The games can blind you to seeing the traits of a supportive, loving and healthy relationship. Toxic was so pre-Covid. It’s outdated at this point. So how can we actually do better? What are the traits we should be aware of?

Traits of a healthy partnership include kindness, reciprocity, respect, consideration, reliability, understanding and patience. 

Here’s the stuff to avoid. These are the traits of an unhealthy partnership: dismissiveness, selfishness, minimization, devaluation, confusion, inconsistency, and comparison.

Dating can be fun, exhausting, and life-changing. It can be the best or worst influence in your life. The more knowledge you have about what you are personally looking for, which traits to seek out, and which to avoid, the better equipped you will be to play the dating game. The most skilled player in the adventure of dating needs to understand the rules to get the best outcomes. Easier said than done, I understand.

If you consistently find yourself attracted to unhealthy relationships, you may need help to explore why you repeat these patterns. It can actually be fun to figure it out, and then you can begin to find a fulfilling significant other.